Theme: There is nothing deeply spiritual about this sketch, but it is good fun! The first few lines below tell you all you need to know. A good sketch for a church entertainment evening.
Staging: All you need is the Mastermind chair for the contestant.
A chair centre stage. Maurice comes to sit. A spotlight falls onto him.
QUIZ MR: Good evening. Welcome to Mastermind.
MAURICE: Im Maurice Wilkins.
QUIZ MR: And what is your name?
MAURICE: Answering a question from the Bible before youve asked it.
QUIZ MR: And whats your specialist subject?
QUIZ MR: And your time starts now. What is forbidden in the seventh commandment?
MAURICE: Riding a donkey.
QUIZ MR: Correct. How did Jesus enter Jerusalem on Palm Sunday?
MAURICE: Drunk and disorderly.
REBECCA: Hello Martha, love.
MARTHA: Hello dear. Been shopping?
REBECCA: Just been into Gomorrah. Such lovely shops theyve got there. Got myself one of those fancy new food processors.
MARTHA: Oh, do let me see.Rebecca takes a wooden spoon out of her bag and shows it to Martha.
MARTHA: Oh I say, what will they think of next?
REBECCA: It stirs, beats, folds and creams, according to the brochure.
MARTHA: Does it, now? Marvellous.
REBECCA: Much better than the old stick Ive been using. Looks like youve been to the shops too?
WAITER: Good evening sir.
STEVEN: Good evening, waiter. Can I see the menu?
WAITER: That very much depends on how good your eye sight is sir. Theyre over there in the corner.
STEVEN: Can I have one?
WAITER: To keep?
STEVEN: (a bit confused) No, just to read.
WAITER: You dont merely wish to see it then sir, you want to read it as well?
STEVEN: If thats alright.
WAITER: Certainly sir. Youre the guest.
Joshua: Hi James. Its time for the stoning.
Joshua: Should be great today. Theyve got a couple of really evil law breakers this week. (checks piece of paper) Theres an idolator and a bloke who gathered wood on the Sabbath. Three oclock kick off.
James: I dont think I can come.
Joshua: Youve got to. Youve got all the stones.
James: Ive lost them.
Joshua: Isnt that them down there?
James: Is it?
Joshua: Of course it is.
James: But theyre not working.or
GERALD: Good afternoon. I want to know if you do an evening class in sinning?
SHEILA: Im afraid [local name] college doesnt have a singing class as such sir. We do have music appreciation or classical guitar. Or have you thought of joining a choir?
GERALD: No, no, no, you stupid woman. Not singing. Sinning.
GERALD: Thats what I said.
SHEILA: I think the closest we have to sinning is Latin American dancing. Im not sure that counts.
GERALD: And completely impossible with my knees. Youre sure you dont have sinning lessons?
Steve: Hi, Im Steve.
Steve: First time speed dating?
Steve: Me too.
Jenny: My friends put me up to it.
Steve: Gosh, me too. Church friends!
Jenny: Really? Youre a Christian?
Steve: Yea. First black mark I suppose?
Jenny: No! I am too.
EZRA: Alright brothers, if I can convene the Union meeting open, Im ready to take proposals for electing the new Messiah. All in favour?The audience should be agreeing! But Abraham is sitting alongside Ezra and raises his hand.
ABRAHAM: Point of order Mr Chairman, when electing the Messiah, what criteria are we actually voting on?
EZRA: Good point brother Abraham. According to our constitution the most important criteria in electing a new Messiah, are that we have a proposer and a seconder. Paragraph 6d clearly states that all officers of the National Union of Zealots and Messianic Workers shall be elected by majority vote, subject to officers being duly proposed and seconded by fully paid up members of the said Union. All in favour?
Jenny is sitting at her
desk writing. Lucy, her boss in a sharp suit comes to her side. If possible
there should be Christmas Cards all around the set.
LUCY: Hi Jenny. Hows it going with the new Christmas card verses?
JENNY: (Unconvincing) Yea, its going.ok.
LUCY: Are you sure?
JENNY: Well. I can seem to get them started ok, but somehow theyre not quite working.
LUCY: Can I hear one?
JENNY: Erm.. Well it is only a first draft.
LUCY: Dont worry, thats fine.
JENNY: Ok, right. (She reads) At Christmas time, we all give thanks.. For presents sent to please us .And most of all, we give our thanks .. For the little baby turkeys.
SHALBAZAR: Hi guys.
KING 1: Shalbazar. How good of you to call round.
SHALBAZAR: Your servant said it was urgent.
KING 1: Oh it is. It is. We have received a great commission, and we want you to join us.
SHALBAZAR: Sounds fun. Whats the plan?
KING 1: We four kings have decided to follow yonder star.
SHALBAZAR: Come again?
KING 1: We are embarking on an epic adventure to follow yonder star.
SHALBAZAR: Youre doing what now?
Kirsty: Good evening. Tonight on Faith Matters, Im joined in the television studio by the Reverend Eric Booster, a world famous TV evangelist, who this week reveals he has converted his ten millionth shouldnt that be tenth million? anyway, its a bucket load of people hes converted to Christianity.
Booster: Good evening.
Kirsty: And Im also joined in a rare television appearance, by The Lord God Almighty Himself...
God: (Giving a cute little wave) Hello.
Kirsty: Reverend, if I can start with you first, ten million people. Thats an awful lot of converts. How do you do it?
Booster: Well, I imagine you expect me to come out with the cliché phrase that its not down to me, its down to the power ofor
Two men in Biblical dress are
staring out into the distance, away from the congregation as if looking over the
shoulders of unseen people in front of them. From off theres a loud crack and rumbling
noise, and the two men feel the tremor of the earth. When the noise dies down
the two men, turn round, drop their heads and look completely dejected.
MAN 1: Thats it then. Its all over. Jesus is dead.
MAN 2: (Though dejected, he tries to be strong) Dead James, but NOT forgotten.
MAN 1: (Agreeing) Dead, but not forgotten.
MAN 2: Which makes him special.
MAN 1: He was special.
MAN 2: Because all those other rabbis, you know that went before him.. they are dead, AND theyre forgotten.
MAN 1: People wont forget Jesus.
MAN 2: As for you and me mate..
MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: Were forgotten and were not even dead!
A salesman is on stage in scruffy suit, picking his nails. Two
disciples enter stage left.
SALESMAN: Morning sirs. What can I do you for?
DISCIPLE 1: Hi. Some people back there told us you might have a donkey.
SALESMAN: Ive got loads of donkeys sir. Thats why the sign says, Honest Bills Second Hand Donkey Showroom. If I didnt have donkeys, Id be telling you a lie sir, and then I wouldnt be Honest Bill, Id be Lying Bill, or at the very least, Having a Bit of a Laugh Bill, and that wouldnt be very good for business sir.
DISCIPLE 1: Right. Can we see a donkey?
SALESMAN: You can see lots of em sir. Just look in the field and there they are. Question is, what sort of donkey are you looking for?
DISCIPLE 1: I dont know. Jesus just told us to come into town and we would find a donkey.
Sally: (Horrified) John! You cant! (She pushes him away)
Sally: Eat chocolate!
John: I think youll find I can. (He eats a chunk) Yea, that pretty well proves it.
John: Just open my mouth, put in the chocolate, and close. (he does it again). Easy!
Sally: But its Lent.
John: No its not. I bought it.
Sally: Not leant. LENT.
Woman: Morning doctor.
Doctor: Morning Mrs Smith. Do sit down.
Woman: I cant very easily Dr.
Woman: (she indicates her bottom) Im wearing stilettos. Its a little bit painful when I sit. The heals are pointing inwards!
Doctor: Well then, please do continue to stand.
Woman: Can I walk doctor? I love walking.
Doctor: Very well..
Woman: Cant get enough if it.
QUIZ MR: Good evening. Your name is?
ELSIE: Elsie Briggs.
QUIZ MR: Occupation?
ELSIE: Irritating pensioner.
QUIZ MR: And your specialist subject?
ELSIE: Numbers in the Bible.
QUIZ MR: Very well Elsie. You have two minutes on numbers in the Bible and your time starts now. How many months did Noah spend on the ark?
QUIZ MR: Correct. In the story of Moses, how many daughters had the priest of Midian?
Forecaster: Good evening, well it looks like Egypt is in for some pretty changeable weather over the next weekend and well into next week. Its going to start cloudy with a little high frost on Friday night, but that should clear by morning. For most of the country, it should be a bright start on Saturday, but by the afternoon it will turn cloudy again with the River Nile turning to blood by Saturday evening.She puts a blood symbol on the map.
Sunday morning will see a plague of frogs coming in from the east..She puts a frog symbol on the map
But they may clear by the afternoon if Pharaoh agrees to free the Israelites. If not, Monday will be much the same with a plague of gnats,She puts a small gnat symbol on the map. or
KING 1: (The kings pull-up their camels) Whoa!. Steady boy, steady.
SOLDIER: Evening gentlemen
KING 1: (Politely and a little nervously) Evening officer.
SOLDIER: Nice night for it.
KING 1: Yes, isnt it?
SOLDIER: Whatever it happens to be.
KING 1: Yes.
SOLDIER: Going somewhere nice are we sir?
KING 1: Erm. Well, were not exactly sure.
SOLDIER: (sarcastic) Really sir? So, what are we doing in Jerusalem at this time of night, during a curfew, while the census is on?
KING 1: Well officer, as it happens, we are following that star.
Innkeeper: (In a very supercilious manner) Yes?
Man: Good evening innkeeper. My wife and I have been travelling all the way from Judea to a town called Nazareth, which happens to be this one, and we are looking for a room in the inn.
Innkeeper: Would that be a twin or a single?
Man: (Completely surprised by the question) Err
Innkeeper: In her state, better make it a triple room.
Man: She is heavily with child.
Innkeeper: Heavily with child? Who says stuff like that these days? Shes fit to burst more like it.
Man: If you havent any room, wed be happy to sleep in the stable.
Man: Vicar, can I have a word?
Vicar: Just the one, or would you like to try to form a sentence? .
Man: (A bit put off) Erm. I want to get married.
Vicar: Oh, a life sentence! How courageous of you.
Man: Well Actually, Im fairly relaxed about it.
Vicar: And committed?
Vicar: (Looking round) And your bride to be?or
SID: John. Have you got a minute?
SID: I just need some help with my ladder.
JOHN: Sure, right. Well lets pray then.
SID: Cant you just.John applies pressure to Sids shoulder so that both men kneel down.
JOHN: Lord, I pray that you will send someone to help Sid in his time of trouble. Hear him Lord as he cries out to you for help. (to Sid) Tell the Lord what you need Sid.
SID: I just need someone to hold my ladder.
JOHN: Lord, Sid is ready to climb the ladder of faith, but like us all Lord, he feels his faith is wavering and unstable. Strengthen him in his moment of wobbling.
A man (or woman) sits at his lap-top/PC and is on the phone.
ACTOR: Yea, is that the help-desk? Thank goodness for that, Ive been hanging on the phone for hours. (pause) Whats the problem? Ill tell you what the problem is mate, its this flipping operating system, thats what the problem is(pause). Right ok, from the beginning(pause) Ok, four weeks ago you finally persuaded me to upgrade my operating system from Geezer 6.7 to Christian 1.0. I didnt particularly want to upgrade, but you lot said that Christian 1.0 was fully tested and wouldnt give me any trouble. In fact, you said it would be fantastic. You said it would be life changing(pause). Yea, well it isnt fantastic(pause). Well, Ill tell you why. Ok? For a start, its completely incompatible with some of my favourite applications. Ever since I started using it, I cant run PubFight 7, WhiteLies 2.1 or GrandTheftAuto(pause) Yea, well you never said anything about that when I upgraded(pause). I paid a fortune for those applications, and now I cant use them(pause).. Yes, I know it works great with other applications, but what on earth makes you think someone like me wants to use Worship2007all the time? If Id wanted to sing and wave my arms in the air Id have bought PremiershipFootball or RugbyWorldCup (pause). No, I havent tried using MilleniumGrace or
GRAMMUS: So Mary, a simple woman from Judea. You claim to know everything about what happened that morning at the tomb?
MARY: Thats right.
GRAMMUS: Ok, so lets get started. Tell me, who was with you that morning?
MARY: Mary Magdalene.
GRAMMUS: Ok. What was the first thing that happened?
MARY: (Thinks) There was an earthquake.
GRAMMUS: Thats right. And then what happened?
MARY: An angel of the Lord came down.
WOMAN: Morning. Have you got any palm leaves?
MAN: Good grief! Another one.
WOMAN: Another one what?
MAN: Youre the seventh person to come in this morning asking for Palm leaves. I sold out hours ago. Three guys came in first thing and took the whole lot. Normally you cant shift them for love nor money. Ive tried all sorts of ways to make them look more attractive. Ribbons, goats feet, camel droppings. Then this morning. Whoosh! All gone within five minutes of me opening.
WOMAN: So have you got any?
MAN: I just said, not. Not one, nada, nothing. Ive got palm branches, palm twigs, palm bark, palm heart, palm roots, palm sap, palmoil, palmolive, and palm shavings, but no palm leaves.
TED: Thank you Fred.
FRED: Here you are Ned.
NED: Fred.Ned and Ted, clink glasses.
TED: Ned.Then both clink with Fred.
MATTHEWS: Right, Simkins. This is why we joined the Missionary Society. The chance to preach the Good News of Easter to the tribe of the Kumangettit.
SIMKINS: (nervously) Yea, sir, to be honest Im not sure were up to this. I mean, were not that good at the language.
MATTHEWS: Nonsense Simkins. You speak it fluently.
SIMKINS: Conversationally, sir, yes. I can get some water and find my way to the cesspit. But to carry the message of what Jesus did for us all on the cross?
MATTHEWS: Dont worry Simkins.
SIMKINS: But they dont even have words for sin and redemption. Or the cross.
MATTHEWS: Its not a problem. Ill keep the language simple.or
Theme: From a Christian's perspective it's easy to characterise the persecutors of Jesus as being hopelessly misguided or worse. But that is to deny the social and political pressure of the time, and the extent to which their society (as with every other society since) is held in the grip of the power-brokers of the time. People with power don't want the status quo to be disrupted, as a local cab driver realises when he gives a lift to a member of the Sanhedrin.
Staging: Place two chairs centre stage. Characters should wear Bibilical dress. The cabby, can carry a whip to suggest he's driving horses.
A cabby sits in a chair as if driving a horse and cart. A man, carrying many files, walks on to the stage and raises his arm.
The man gets into a chair alongside the cabby, and they both bounce up and down as if the carriage is moving.
CABBY: Where to sir?
MAN: Bethlehem Road please.
CABBY: Ooh, sorry sir, I cant go south of the river after midday sir.
MAN: Why not?
CABBY: Sorry sir. Part of the terms of my Jerusalem cab licence. No Gentiles, no Samaritans, no women,or
A carpenter, in workmans clothes, is working at his bench, sawing, or hammering, or planing, according to what tools he has. We dont see what he is making. His boss comes in with a clip board.
BOSS: Come on man. Arent you finished yet?
WORKER: Im just doing the finishing touches.
BOSS: We havent got all day you know.
WORKER: Im a craftsman boss. You cant rush a craftsman.
BOSS: Well Im a sadist, and you cant keep a sadist waiting.
WORKER: No boss. Point taken.
BOSS: Youve got another two of these to finish by this evening.or
A man and woman are on stage in Biblical dress, just chatting. Excited shouts from off precede the entry of Cleopas.
CLEOPAS: Guys. Guys! Listen to this. Listen to this! Youll never guess whats happened.
WOMAN: What? Whats happened?
CLEOPAS: Youll never guess! Oh my God. Its amazing.
MAN: Cleopas, Cleopas calm down.
CLEOPAS: I cant calm down. Its too amazing. Guess what happened on the way to Emmaus.
MAN: (disinterested) You got a stone in your shoe.
CLEOPAS: Much more incredible.or
Two characters come together centre stage, both with drinks in their hands. Sheila wears a chicken costume with rubber glove on her head to create a plume. Bob is dressed as a pirate.
SHEILA: Hi. Great party isnt it?
BOB: Isnt it? I love fancy dress.
SHEILA: Me too.
BOB: Do you know many people here?
SHEILA: (Pointing at someone in the distance) The judge . and the paramedic.
BOB: The paramedics costume is fantastic!
SHEILA: No, he is a paramedic. Apparently Christines waters have broken.
BOB: Oh! Which ones Christine?or
Archie in a football referees uniform runs around the stage as if following a football game in progress. At a moment of his choosing he blows his whistle to stop the game for an incident, and beckons a player over. A player in full kit emerges from the wings, arms outstretched.
PLAYER 1: What?
REF: Free kick.
PLAYER 1: I never (bleep) touched him.
REF: You caught his ankles.
PLAYER 1: I got the (bleep) ball. I got the (bleep) ball.
REF: Free kick.
PLAYER 1: I (bleep) the (bleep) ball you (bleep).
REF: Calm down.or
From opposite sides of the stage two very smart business people enter and greet. Jenkins is young and a little nervous, Briggs much older and very old school and pompous.
BRIGGS: Ah Jenkins. Good of you to come for the interview.
JENKINS: Not at all. I was very pleased to be shortlisted.
BRIGGS: Ah well, as you know Briggs and Beckham is one of the most prestigious firms in the city, we always look for the best and brightest.
JENKINS: Thank you very much.
BRIGGS: Right, so lets get started. You get your shoes and socks off, and Ill get a bucket.
JENKINS: (shocked) Im sorry?
BRIGGS: Nothing to worry about, standard procedure. Quick wash of the feet and then were away.or
Janet is on stage looking out, as if she has lost something. Edna leads God onto the stage. They wear the most awful his and hers sweaters, thick glasses, matching trousers. They could be twins, but thats the kindest thing you can say about them. Edna leads, and God just follows, tagging on behind.
EDNA: Janet. Hello dear. Isnt is a lovely day?
EDNA: Just out for a walk on your own dear?
JANET: No. Ive got Jesus with me somewhere.
JANET: Our rottweiller. You havent seen him have you?
EDNA: I dont know. Whats he like?or
A vicar is in his office. Theres a knock and Gertie and Phyllis enter. They are both elderly, frumpy, and dowdy looking. They have no fashion sense whatsoever and look very strange.
VICAR: Gertie, Phyllis, what can I do for you?
GERTIE: Hello vicar.
PHYLLIS: . Hello
GERTIE: We was wondering werent we?
PHYLLIS: Yes, we was.
GERTIE: You was asking for people to volunteer for things in the church, and we was wondering if youd like us to be your groupies?
Frank and Alice sit at a restaurant table. Frank, is a huge bloke (with cushions up his jumper if necessary!) and has a few empty plates and glasses at his elbow. Alices setting is empty. Frank is finishing off a piece of chocolate cake. Alice eats nothing.
FRANK: Wow! This is one really nice Mississippi mud pie!
FRANK: Yea, you should have had some.
ALICE: No Frank. Im on a diet.
FRANK: Or a slice of that lemon cheesecake I had. That was nice too.
ALICE: Honestly, a glass of water was all I wanted. I never eat a meal at lunchtime.
FRANK: And the sponge pudding. That was gorgeous.or
A man and a woman sit facing each other, clearly very devoted to each other. Both are very casually dressed. In fact, shes very scruffy. He looks one way, she the other.
LAURA: .Is that what really happened?
MAN: Im telling you just as it was.
LAURA: I do love chatting to you. Thats a brilliant story.
Gillian enters. She is very glamorous, but the same age as Laura. She looks a little bit lost.
MAN: Its not a story. It happened. And then afterwards, there were twelve baskets left over.
LAURA: (Spotting Gillian over the mans shoulder) Oh wow. Thats incredible.
MAN: It was a miracle!
LAURA: No, not you. Her.or
A big burly doorman stands at the door. A very smartly dressed gent comes towards him very confidently, but the doorman bars his path.
MAN: (takes a card from his pocket) I do have an invitation.
DOOR: Im sure you do sir.
MAN: So. if youll let me pass?
DOOR: That wont be possible sir Im afraid. Dress code of the house.
MAN: What do you mean? Im wearing a jacket, tie and white shirt. Thats all it specifies.
DOOR: We didnt think we needed to specify trousers sir.
Ashley, dressed very smartly, like a true slick salesman rings the doorbell. Bert comes to the door to answer.
ASHLEY: (very cheerily) Good afternoon sir.
BERT: (Cautiously) Afternoon.
ASHLEY: Im just in the area sir, talking to a few of the homeowners
BERT: Youre not a Jehovahs Witness are you?
ASHLEY: No sir. Nothing like that sir. No, Im just in your area with a few colleagues, and
BERT: Or some other kind of religious nutter.
ASHLEY: Well, I am a bit of a nutter sir, but Im not a religious one.
BERT: Oh? Good.or
Jane and Rick sit at a table. They gaze longingly at each other. Jane leans forward and they kiss.
JANE: I am glad you've agreed to a church wedding.
RICK: It's what you wanted.
JANE: It's not just the church. I want us to get married with Gods blessing you know. I want it to be right. I want us to do it in the way God wants us to do it.
RICK: Well that's great. Me too.
JANE: And it means we can have more guests to actually be there, and we can use the hall for the reception.or