Theme: This sketch can be performed by 3 men although there's no reason why one of the kings couldn't be played by a woman. It's a sketch that acknowledges how the gifts of the three kings signal the significance of the life and death that Jesus will lead.
Staging: The kings should be dressed in regal gear, but clearly be about to set off for their journey. Consider the comic potential of one of them having a suitcase, being dressed for the beach, sun-hats and so on.
The three Kings enter from different sides of the stage.
KING 1: Right, is everybody ready?
KING 2: Yea.
KING 1: Got your camels?.
KING 2: Yea.
KING 1: Packed your swimming trunks?
KING 2: What?
KING 1: Well you never know.
KING 2: Dash it!
KING 3: You can borrow mine.
KING 2: Thanks.or
Ananias sits on a chair with his head in his hands. He doesnt notice as from behind him, Sapphira enters. She looks about herself in bewilderment and notices Ananias
SAPPHIRA: Ananias, is that you?
ANANIAS: Sapphira! Where the heck have you been?
ANANIAS: I might have known. What for this time?
SAPPHIRA: I told you. I wanted to use a little bit of money from that field we sold to buy a new pair of sandals.
ANANIAS: More flipping sandals. How many pairs of sandals can one woman need?
SAPPHIRA: About fifty.or
Two men come together with drinks in their hands. After a couple of nervous glances at each other, Greg plucks up courage to speak. He has an Australian accent. Jim has an English accent.
GREG: Nice barbie.
JIM: Very pleasant.
GREG: Greg, by the way.
JIM: J im.
GREG: Good to meet you Jim. Know many people here?
JIM: No, not really. You?or
Fred and Sally enter together. Sally is looking about her and taking notes in a big folder.
Fred: So, as you can see, this is the sitting room.
Sally: Big room.Fred: Its a very big room. Too big now that the kids have left home.
Sally: Is that why youre selling?Fred: One reason. Anyway, were leaving the carpets. Were leaving the curtains. In fact everything you can see except the furniture.
Sally: (Peering ahead) And that?Fred: Thats the mother in law.
Sally: Oh Im sorry, its just a bit dark. I couldnt make her out.or
Three women come onto the stage. Woman 1 looks very posh and well dressed. Woman 2 looks very average. Woman 3, should dress very plainly to represent poverty.
Woman 1: I'm an old lady, and I'm disgusted at the cost of electricity.
Woman 2: I'm an old lady, and I'm disgusted at the price of food.
Woman 3: I'm an old lady, and I work to grow food for those two. I don't care about the price of electricity because I've never had it.
Woman 1: This year, I took my annual trip to America, and had to pay a £60 surcharge on my airfare.
Woman 2: This year, I had my usual week up in Edinburgh, and the hotel cost me £60 more than last year.
Woman 3: This year, I'll earn less than £60 and I've never had a holiday.
A man stands in overalls waiting. He has a tool box. Enter his boss hurriedly, wearing smart suit and tie. He carries a clip board.
BOSS: Oh, sorry I'm a bit late for our meeting (checking clipboard). Stewart. On your first day as well. What must you think? I'm afraid I got held up by the ball bearings.
STEWART: Sounds painful.
BOSS: No normal wear and tear. Nothing too serious. But that's why we need an extra man on the maintenance team. So I'm delighted to welcome you on as the latest recruit to Grace and Grace.
STEWART: Glad to be here Mr Grace. There's not much work round here these days.
BOSS: Right, so we'll just get the induction over with, and then we'll get you started.
STEWART: Right you are.
BOSS: So, first things first. (He pulls a big packet from under the clipboard) There's your wages.
Benjamin and Ephraim walk on stage together chatting.
BENJAMIN: So I said, "How do you like your camels?" And he said, "I don't care so long as they're sweet." So I said, "Does that mean one hump or two?" (He falls about laughing).
EPHRAIM: Sorry, did I miss something?
BENJAMIN: One hump or two.. Like sugar, one hump or
A blast of music from a member of the music group prompts Benjamin to throw himself to the floor in an act of worship..
EPHRAIM: Whoa, whoa whoa. What are you doing?
BENJAMIN: Get down. Get down.
BENJAMIN: King Nebuchadnezzar will kill you.
EPHRAIM: No Benjamin. Benjamin, no. Haven't you heard?
BENJAMIN: You'll be thrown into the blazing furnace.EPHRAIM: No Benjamin. That's all changed. or
Ben is on stage drinking a cup of coffee. Jim approaches cautiously.
JIM: Ben, can I talk to you about sin?
BEN: Oh dear, what have you done now?
JIM: No, its not me!. Its you.. and Steve.. erm I noticed .. er.. I want you to know that I mean its not my .its in the Bible.. er that . when two men
BEN: ..what have a fight?
JIM: No, when they.
BEN: . rob a bank?
JIM: No, when two men
BEN: .went to mow?or
A disciple walks on to stage, looking over his shoulder.
Disciple: Finally, some time to myself! Don't get me wrong. I mean, I love being with the guys. And Jesus of course. That guy is amazing. It's not just the neat tricks he does. He's smart too. He's sharper than a Roman soldier's toe nails that one. If you'd been kicked by a soldier as many times as I have, you'd know what I mean. But you know, when it comes down to it, I just need space. Sometimes I just have to get away and think about things. Cos some of the stuff that's happening it's weird, you know. The latest thing is Simon. He hasn't been himself since well, in a way, he hasn't been himself since Jesus gave him the name Peter. But that's not the point. He hasn't been himself since the 'thing' at the lake. We'd just done that meal for 5 thousand people, and boy, was I glad I wasn't on washing up thator
Ticket officer stands at the desk of his ticket office. A man comes towards him and stops.
OFFICER: Good afternoon sir.
MAN: Yes, Id like to buy a ticket to heaven please.
OFFICER: Very good sir. Single or return?
MAN: (about to choose, then realising) What?
OFFICER: Single or return?
MAN: Oh? Can I get a return?
OFFICER: Course you cant sir. Just my little joke.
MAN: Well dont be ridiculous.
OFFICER: But then you cant get a single ticket either.or
A man wanders on stage looking a bit lost. He's map reading. Enter a policeman.
COPPER: Sorry mate, you can't park that donkey there. It's a double yellow.
MAN: I'm not parked, I'm lost.
COPPER: Still a double yellow. It's a no parking zone is that. And it's a no grazing zone as well.
MAN: I'll move him in a minute.
COPPER: Oh, and it's definitely a no.. urgh!
MAN: I'm sorry. It's been a long journey.
COPPER: That's a thirty dinarius fine that is.
MAN: Thirty dinarius!or
There's room in this sketch for you to insert your own words as you'll see. A man comes centre stage and starts to pray.
MAN: Lord, I want to know you better. I want to hear your voice.
He waits. From off stage
FEMALE: Hi John, sorry to keep you. I was just trying to sort out well it doesn't matter. How are you?
MAN: Who's that?
FEMALE: It's me.
MAN: Is that Ethel?
FEMALE: No it's me. I am
MAN: I am what?or
Theme: This sketch can be performed by 2 people, though non-speaking actors can be employed as other angels 'getting ready'. The sketch tells the story of the announcement to the shepherds from the angels' point of view.
Staging: I envisage the angels as pilots about to go on a mission. Perhaps they practice flapping their wings, there might be a map on the wall showing the plan for the night, or a picture identifying the difference between a shepherd and a sheep.
Two angels, already dressed in white robes and wings, are adding goggles, flying caps, and gloves to their apparel. As he dons his gloves, angel 1 turns to angel 2..
ANGEL 1: Ready?
ANGEL 2: (a bit nervous) Yea, I think so.
ANGEL 1: Sure?
ANGEL 2: (brightening) Yea.
ANGEL 1: Got your announcement ready?
ANGEL 2: (suddenly nervous again) Errr! I don't know what I'm going to say.
ANGEL 1: You've not written it?
ANGEL 2: Honestly, I was up all night, thinking what to say, and
ANGEL 1: Well just tell them. "Come on lads, come with me, I've got something I need to show you."
ANGEL 2: Well, that's not going to work is it?or
An auctioneer stands behind a podium.
A'neer: Thankyou ladies and gentlemen. The next item on auction is a series of four paintings by the rising star of the Latvian Infantist movement.
Two assistants walk on carrying a large canvas with a truly rubbish series of splodges and squirts, and they hold it in the portrait style for the audience to view.
A'neer: The first painting in the series is this exquisite "Mother and child", which many believe to feature a self portrait of the artist. Then we have "Man fighting polar bear."
The assistants turn the painting through 90 degrees.
A'neer: "Donkey licking a stick".
The assistants turn the painting through a further 90 degrees, so that the original is upside down.
A'neer: And finally,
The assistants turn the painting again.
A'neer: "Two camels on a motorbike." So, I can tell you that I've already got a telephone bid with me, so I'll start the bidding at fifty thousand. So.or
Two guys in biblical dress meet up.
MARK: Hi, Joshua! How's things?
JOSHUA: They're ok..
MARK: Great! Hey, you'll never guess who I saw today. .
JOSHUA: I don't suppose I will.
MARK: Go on then.
JOSHUA: Go on then what?
MARK: Have a guess.
JOSHUA: What's the point of that?or
Zebedee: Right guys, let's get them fish off the boat.
They line up so that Isaac is backstage with the fish, Zebedee in the middle, and Abram front stage close to the audience.
Isaac: Zebedee, coming one!
As he calls, Isaac throws a fish to Zebedee, which he catches.
Zebedee: Got it! Abram, coming one!
As Zebedee calls he throws the fish to Abram.
Abram: Got it. James, coming one.
Abram throws the fish out into the audience and waits for the shout from James. Meanwhile, Isaac, has started again.
Isaac: Zebedee, coming one!
As he calls, Isaac throws a fish to Zebedee, which he catches.
Zebedee: Got it! Abram, coming one!or
Hotel receptionist stands behind the desk. A man enters carrying his suitcase.
RECEP'IST: Good morning sir?
Man: I'd like to check out please.
RECEP'IST: Certainly sir. Did you have anything from the mini-bar?
Man: Mini-bar! What mini-bar?
RECEP'IST: There was a flask of stale water in the corner by the pile of seeds.
Man: There was broken bottle, a damp patch, and I didn't even see any seeds.
RECEP'IST: Ah! Perhaps the chickens got there before you. They do that sometimes.
RECEP'IST: (brightly) So, apart from that, everything alright with your stay sir?
Man: Not really no.
RECEP'IST: I'm sorry to hear that sir. What was the problem?
Man: Pretty well everything.
Gill comes to centre stage and stands with eyes closed. She counts aloud.
GILL: Forty three, forty four, forty five, forty six, forty seven, forty eight, forty nine,
Derek enters and watches for a moment.
GILL: fifty, fifty one, fifty two, fifty three, fifty four.
DEREK: Hi Gill.
GILL: (startled) Oh!
DEREK: What you doing?
GILL: Don't interrupt. I'm counting.
DEREK: Ok. Are you counting anything in particular?
GILL: I'm playing hide and seek.. With God.or
A man sits at a table with a menu. The waiter approaches.
Waiter: Afternoon sir. Are you ready to order?
Man: Yes. I think I'll have the pork chops please.
Waiter: Pork chops are off sir.
Man: Ok, well, the pork tenderloin with apple sauce.
Waiter: . right, ok. .. erm..
Man: Is that off too?
Waiter: Not exactly.
Man: So .?
Waiter: There's just a slight variation to the menu.
Man: Which is?Waiter: It's just apple sauce. or
Simon is hammering a nail into a piece of wood. James looks over his shoulder as Simon hammers, bang, bang, bang! The third time Simon hits his thumb.
Simon: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Simon must exaggerate his pain in a comical way for maximum laughs from the audience.
James: What happened there?
Simon: You're kidding!?
Simon: I hit my flipping thumb didn't I?
James: (Barely disguising a snigger) Right.
Simon: Ow it hurts. Ow. Ow. Why? Why does God allow suffering?
James: (indicating congregation) Well they seemed to enjoy it.or
A newsreader sits at a desk. Someway distant, Levi, a reporter is waiting patiently.
Reader: Good evening, and welcome to the news. Today's headlines in Jerusalem. The body of the rabbi Jesus has disappeared from the tomb. Three days after his crucifixion, followers of the teacher are saying this is proof of his claim to be the Son of God. Levi Abram is at the scene for us now. Levi, what can you tell us?
Levi: Well Joseph. Two remarkable things have happened this morning. Firstly, it does appear from reports that Jesus has indeed risen from the dead and left his tomb. The details are a little sketchy at the moment, but eye witnesses tell me that this morning, two women came to pay their respects and they were the first people to realise the tomb was empty. Despite there being guards around the tomb, I've had a look myself, and it is definitely the case that the body of Jesus is no longer there.or
Trainer stands in front of a flip chart.
Trainer: Ok, everybody, thank you for attending this refresher training course. As you know, the Nazareth Hilton chain of hotels takes its customer care very seriously, and after last week's.. "incident".. we thought it would be worth going over a few of the basics with our managers. Now, we're not pointing the finger at anybody in particular from the Bethlehem Inn, we're simply going over company policy to avoid any future confusion. So, let's start if we can with a simple observation round.
She turns over the flipchart. A stick man and stick woman are drawn on.
Trainer: Can anyone tell me what this is? That's right. It's a husband and wife. You can tell they're husband and wife because they are almost in touching distance, which is quite enough public affection as far as I'm concerned. Right, now, what if she looks like this?or
Two wisemen enter from opposite sides of the stage, pushing supermarket trolleys.
Wiseman1: Ah! Belthesazar. What a surprise! How good to see you again. It has been so long.
Wiseman2: So long.. that I'm not entirely sure who you are.
Wiseman1: We were two of the three wise men. remember?
Wiseman2: That was ages ago. Thirty years or more.
Wiseman1: I know, I know. So how has life been treating you since we embarked on our great adventure? Are you still a wiseman?
Wiseman2: Well, I'm not as quick as I used to be. I can never seem to find the right er the right.erm, the right..
Wiseman2: Exactly. But to be honest, there's not much call for wise men these days is there? So I now run a little bed and breakfast with the missus.or
A group of at least 3 women are chatting together. Martha rushes on from off stage.
Martha: Girls, girls, guess what?
Martha: I have just had an encounter with the most incredible man you've ever seen.
Woman1: Oh no Martha, not again!
Martha: No. No!
Woman2: Every Saturday the same old story.
Woman1: Who was it this time? Joshua, the farmer's son? John the net-maker?
Martha: No. I don't mean that kind of encounter. This was at the well.or